21.1.11

So Many Memories





There are two delights to which nothing compares – the delight of watching the moon last thing outdoors by night fall and listening to the same national radio station first thing in the morning as the one that woke you each morning back at home. Above all, the sense of being connected to someone through not only a tangible common medium is somehow binding in a good way. Visible. Audible. In whatever form. It’ll always be the same across miles. Devoid of barriers of time and space and region.

Crescent or full
In the wake of night
Sinking, sinking
the sepia moon.

This morning I heard Sangeet Sarita on Vividhabharti, the Hindustani classical music programme. They announced Puriya Dhanasri for tomorrow’s episode.

Two nights ago I excitedly cursed the full moon on the horizon to Kshitij on the phone, standing in my balcony. It preened shamelessly in literally all its glory. This side of the city isn’t that polluted so it was whiter than it would seem in the city skies. देखो  वोह चाँद छुपके करता है क्या इशारे lost all significance. No hiding happening here; all clouds sent home; packed in their cold blankets. Subtlety to the dogs. So many memories.

19.1.11

Aazadiyaan, Udaan

It's official. I've been boiling misery the past two weeks - in varying degrees of intensity. and the music - surprizingly - has been of most help. It's been everything, from Gujarati ghazals to retro to jazz to film music. But last evening, it struck me that the most of the music and counselling happened in Upasana's car. In fact, the music played catalyst to the couselling.

And once again, I wept to Tere Ishq Mein as i waited for Upasana to get back from an enquiry for her iPhone motherboard at the Jubilee Hills Technovision. Surprizingly, as we approached the Indu township, Aazadiyan tuned in. पैरों की बेड़ियाँ ख्वाबों को बांधे नहीं रे...

For the past few days, I've been continuously asking myself why I bothered coming to Hyderabad in the first place. What was I thinking?! And this song - my anthem; my mantra; my motivation - beckoned me to think again. I came here for freedom. I came here to realise my dreams. I came here because I was determined to make it a second time - make it big, make it bright. I'd snatched it, not asked for it, not begged.

And when no one could stop me from coming, from flying, why this dilemma? Aazadiyaan brought back my spirit; my revelry in this city. It was never meant to be the end of my quest, but a means to my motives - a means to be happier and more productive.

The song reminded me not to despair for what I'm missing - I should've in fact expected it - कहानी ख़तम है, या शुरुआत होने को है? आने वाला वक़्त देगा पनाहें, या फिर से मिलेंगे दो राहें. So here I am, treating this as the answer to all the chaos in my head. खबर क्या... क्या पता?

18.1.11

Oye Lucky, Lucky Oye!

Waiters have a miserable existence. They can never enjoy a gig at their own workplaces. They must pay attention to work. It must be frustrating to not be able to get carried away with the music. Especially when it's good. Piteous existence is theirs who must drudge for every penny.

Thank you God. For parents who provided. For the comforts. For enough.

Once more, I feel lucky for the parents I was born to. When else though?

A few months ago when I saw Udaan. It's a film that made me thank god for the parents I have. They let me do my thing. They let me make mistakes and learn. They let me carve out my own paths professionally and in love.

11.1.11

Walk in the Wind


I walked in the cold wind today. It of course ruffled my hair and made me shiver and added a shrill bleat to my voice, but little did I figure, that in its anaesthetic numbness, it was injecting a pain in my left knee that would come alive when my limbs warmed up considerably under the blanket.

The first tinge of sensation entered my toes and base of foot just a few moments ago. I know now, more than I’ve known in years, what the word ‘warm’ connotes. My fingers can type again. Efficiently, swiftly. I can differentiate pain from itch and itch from that physical feeling of unfeeling. I feel the vapour of my breath fill up this little tent propped up on my knees at one end and my head at the other.

The smells come alive. The vague stench of the salwar worn all day, which I’m half lazy to change, the sweat, the faint flavour of my toothpaste, the staleness of my day-old washed hair. They all seem to be in conversation, as if to condemn the contents of the book that lies in my lap – open yet bookmarked.

Thank god the tent is lined with a quilt designed out of my mother’s sari on the inside. It makes the shelter, even if makeshift, homely.

10.1.11

Dialogue in the Dark

For an hour on Saturday evening, I turned blind. Visually impaired, as they call it. No vision, no I could see NOTHING. कुछ भी नहीं. And after my last exchange with the dark, this was a paradoxical experience. It was, to use a cliché (because clichés are true nevertheless), an eye opener in more ways than one. It was literally a walk in the dark. Pitch dark. The kinds in which you can’t see your own hands. And the only thing to lead you is a walking stick. Of course, the banging into each other (we were a group of seven), stepping on someone’s foot and hitting-the-ground you do, are not even a fraction of the amount of assistance that you discover your senses can lend. Your companions become the subjects of most concern.


I’ve always believed that it takes only short of five hours to be physically attracted to any human being, whether or not you like him or her. But to genuinely care for someone takes as little as an hour in the dark! It is a kind of dependence that links the two beings. The dependence to know that all shall be well and al manner of things shall be well.

What may seem like a rant so far, is a mere scratch on the ambience created solely for the ‘unseeing’. I ‘saw’ today the fickle and unnecessarily complex exterior of people who find it hard to simplify. I saw a woman who could not come to terms with the fact that being unable to see does not enable us to be or do the metaphysical. I also sat with another woman to whom it mattered more how our guide lost what he had lost, and not what he had gained. We still hoped to glorify a man who was being himself. Quick to label him “Shahrukh Khan”, we needed a parallel, a precedent, because this was too unique to have happened to us for the first time. The first time in years, or the first time in life.

I smelled the coffee for the first time in ages. I differentiated Cuticura and Ponds talcum powders. I tasted Colgate tooth power for the first time. I swayed in a boat all over again. And sang प्यार की कश्ती में and ओ माझी रे with Upasana. I touched the bark of an Ashoka tree. I shouted, and screamed and ate a packet of chips in there. I used my fingers to sort a fifty from a tenner to pay for it. I felt the spray of the winter winds on Hussain Sagar lake. I held hands and shirt sleeves and shoulders. I followed a voice – in fact, many voices. I recognized them all. I knew where they came from. I knew they were going nowhere. I felt solid ground beneath my feet. I felt a carpet of lawn and pebbles. I felt the steel new seats at the bus stop on Pedder road. A little water wet my shoes too. I felt cold, but not alone. I felt protected. I felt full of purpose. And the dark… the dark was not of the night, or like Kshitij’s “velvet”, but it was definitely “alive... so much that its smoothness could be felt on the back of my hand, around my neck and my ankles...”

“Like silken threads… millions of them… lying as if someone had dropped them in the breeze… scattered… each strand tracing itself on my skin… the strands lay together yet distinguishable.”

My hand holder, the one to lead in a calm voice, the one to challenge my judgement, to ask me what an odd apple was doing amidst another pattern, to get me humming, to say my name, was a voice all of 19! Nasir his name.

When our walk was done, when out questions asked and answered, when our perceptions shaken and when we were allowed to walk 30 times slower than ever, Nasir led us back to our world - the world of light, colour, lines and eyes, with the souvenir of a card with our name written in Braille.

Nasir is really a 30-year-old from Bombay who worked as a tele-caller at TATA Indicom for two years. He lost his vision at 21. Equipped with rudimentary English and working Hindi, our man has been in Hyderabad for the past two months training as a guide at Dialogue in the Dark, which opened to public on Sunday, 9 January 2011, at In Orbit mall, Madhapur on level 5.

Nasir told me something no Hyderabadi will ever be able to: the number of species of flora at KBR Park. Any guesses?